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League News

Bruins Big Deal Pulled Off By League


Boston, MA
January 18, 2015

12:02 p.m. - "FUCK! Fuck, fuck, fuck it all!" are the words that were heard escaping from behind the closed door of GM Anthony Curatolo's office at TD Bank North Garden.

"I'm gonna get myself a hot, twisted Brazilian whore and smoke her tail till she squirts on these shit hole walls" continued. "What the fuck? These pricks don't want to play and I can't even move them. I am sick of this shit", as things were heard crashing within the walls of GM Curatolo's office.

From there, it was only a matter of time before, now seasoned, General Manager Anthony Curatolo made a march from his office, to the exit doors at the TD Bank North Garden.

One can only guess, but the assumption is that GM Curatolo had placed a move into the league and it was quickly sent back to him with Joker cards asking, "are you serious?" The players we can assume that were on the way out the door prior to the failed move were disgruntled defenseman Erik Karlsson and an under producing forward.

The Boston Bruins, who currently sit third in the Eastern Conference, second in the Northeast Division, and eight overall in the Canadian Elite Hockey League, have been playing well as of late, but not good enough. Posting a 6-4 record over their last ten games is a reason for optimisim about this Bruins club, who last season missed out on making the CEHL Playoffs in GM Curatolo's early tenure with the club.

Caught outside the arena, GM Curatolo was quoted as saying, "It's been a bit disappointing and I have to put a lot of that on myself, and the way I've shaped this club for Chief (Coach Craig Berube)".

"In an attempt to solidify this club, not only for the on-ice prodcut, but for the financial situation that we are currently involved in, this was something that had to be done" he added regarding the trade that went sour. "However, now we are stuck with these shit holes and there's nothing I can do about it at this point".

As this was over-heard while he was making his way to his vehicle, we hope the faint of heart and young fans of the game are not reading this. "Yea mother fuckers. You want to play like shit here, you can pack your bags and go freeze your balls off even more out in the great North West! C'est la vie jerk offs! But No. Now they are stuck in Boston. This damn city doesn't need this shit!"

Words of encouragement from the GM as he walked out of sight. The fans in Boston would not have been sad to see Karlsson go as his 15 points in 37 games and his minus-13 rating are numbers to be laguhed at for the talent that he is. The deal would likely have seen hard hitting, point scoring blue liner Johnny Boychuk in the Black and Gold of Boston. In a big deal, the GM expects bigger things. And already receiving criticism from other GMs around the league in the past, this was not something the GM needed.

For now, the only positive outlook is the return of number one blueliner Brent Seabrook. Boston has a very tough schedule ahead, and it could create space in the standings or could create an even bigger headache for the Bruins GM. Only time, and the games being played out, will tell.

For the Boston Globe, I'm Jack Jabroni Edwards. Tune in next week, when I interview retired SWL wrestling legend, Dark Thunder!


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